doublecrowss | Inbox for awash

[He feels Akechi tighten his grip, and reaches up to rub at his hand, trying to be calming. He didn't mean to make Akechi this upset, although he supposes it was inevitable, with this topic.]

Mm... my dad's kind of high up in his company, but they aren't really public figures. But it's a small town. People talk.

[He's over it now, or at least as much as he can be. His parents made their decisions. Going forward, Akira's focus is making sure that no kid ends up in the same position, with parents who make the same choices.]

But... it's not so much that they didn't believe me. Just that they don't think I should have gotten involved in the first place.

[What was it Sojiro said? Leave adult matters to adults?

In Akira's opinion, that's bullshit. And that's how he ended up where he is.]

[ The rubbing does help a little, and Akechi looses his grip on him, though he doesn't let go completely, either. ]

While I can't say I disagree with them on that matter, I still think sending you off on your own to a stranger's home was too drastic of a measure...

[ And though this explanation sits better with him, it's still hard not to relate too closely, to the idea of being passed around the minute he became a burden, to become someone else's problem and nothing more. Parents, or even extended family... don't they realize children aren't things to be readily discarded? ]

... ah, I'm sorry. It isn't my place to question their decisions.

[ What does he know about having parents, anyway? ]

What about your friends, though? [ A quick change of topic, hoping to lessen the gravity of their talk, drive it back to a lighter path. ] Surely you must have left quite a few behind?

[Next to him, Akira has gone a little stiff. Though he heard Akechi's question about his friends, his mind is on something he said a little earlier.

He gives a shrug to the topic of friends. It's not that interesting, anyway.]

I guess. But why don't you disagree?

[He isn't surprised, actually, that the real Akechi would disagree; he'd probably rather see Akira rot in a hole than do something heroic. But he wasn't really expecting Akechi to agree with his parents about this outright, either. Maybe it's a small thing to Akechi, but to him...

Was your previous decision a mistake, then?

To him, this is a moment that defines him.]

You think I shouldn't have gotten involved?

[ Akechi does feel him stiffen under his touch, and it strikes him as odd, especially when he's trying so hard to shift the topic from anything that could make him upset, like the memories of his parents getting rid of him like a mere object.

... but then Akira barely answers his following question, and Akechi realizes his mistake. Ah. ]

... We've had this conversation before, haven't we? I admire your willingness to help even a stranger, but heroism alone without any planning or power to rely on is a reckless move. What would you have done if, instead of an influential man, you had crossed someone who wasn't afraid to resort to violence?

[ And that's not even taking into account that it was Shido, of all people, that he had to mess with, and he, somehow, was both, powerful and unscrupulous. It was fortunate that Akira was just a nobody teenager, or else his life might have been in danger.)

(Except then Akira became Joker, and an even bigger target for Shido's wrath. The kind that Akechi was left to deal with.) ]

It's not that I think your choice to help was wrong in itself. But I can't ignore it's reason to be concerned, as I imagine your parents must have been.

[ As Akechi, himself, has come to be, the more he's learned to care about Akira. ]

[Akira knows they've had conversations like this. But being more careful about running into a monster's nest, or wandering off in the woods, or facing a difficult challenge alone... those all feel different. The choice that was in front of him that night wasn't one of deciding whether or not to rush into danger. It was about deciding whether to keep his head down, and walk right past something happening, and pretend he never saw it.

He can't. He can't do something like that.]

...If it had been me. Would you have wanted anyone who came across me to look down, and pretend they didn't see?

[Because so many people would. So many people do. The parents that told their children to endure Kamoshida's abuse. The officials who ignored the suffering of young people at the hands of Kaneshiro. All of the people who now know Shido's abuses, and are still okay with him being Prime Minister.

Something about the thought grabs at the back of Akira's mind, like the solution to a riddle that he just can't quite get to. Apathy. The apathy of bystanders.

He creases his eyebrows, eyes getting far away.]

[ While he knows Akira means it in a more general context, knowing what he knows now, it's impossible for Akechi to not have a fleeting image of Shido trying to harm him, trying to do damage a lot more direct than he's already caused. Trying against his life, for daring to get in the way of his plans.

He clenches a fist, realizing that vision isn't just in the realm of hypotheticals. ]

... If it had been you, then I would rather have helped you, myself.

[ He could do it. He can still do it, whenever they go back. But what is it going to cost him? What is it going to cost them? ]

But, to answer your question-- [ Yes, he realizes this isn't really what Akira wants to know, so he shifts his line of thinking back to the present, pushing that latent anger to the back of his head. ] --Yes, of course I would want someone to help. But I also realize how selfish that is, to ask for someone completely unrelated to get involved, and prioritize your safety over theirs. As much as I wouldn't like to see someone else be harmed, isn't it natural to wish more strongly for the well-being of those we're personally invested in?

[ Sure, he may not be very good at grasping the intricacies of human relationships, but this much seems obvious to him, both from common sense perspective, and from his own experience; though his connections are still few, what he's witnessed in this town every time they've been under siege is that people rushed to save their loved ones first. That's just the way humans are-- selfish.

Society is selfish. This, too, is a fact he's personally acquainted with. ]

Isn't everyone like this? Minding their own comfort first, and wishing that someone else would take on the risk?

[He smiles a little at Akechi's resolute answer. Help him himself, huh? Akira can't say he disagrees with that.

But it's the rest of the answer that has him pondering. It's not that he thinks it's wrong to care about friends and family first; it's only natural to do so. But that can't be where it ends, right?

He thinks of how Ryuji tried to step in to save him, and how that led to his Persona awakening. If Ryuji hadn't done that, they couldn't be friends now, because one or both of them would be dead.]

I'm not saying don't prioritize your loved ones. There's nothing wrong with that.

[He doesn't want to give the wrong idea, especially to someone like Akechi, who has had so few people to care about in his life.]

But if everyone wants someone else to take the risk... eventually, no one will. It leaves... holes. And that's where people like Kaneshiro and Madarame and the other guys we've taken down slip in.

[Surely Akechi knows something about that too, growing up in the foster system. When children are vulnerable, it's so easy for bad people to gain control of them...]

I think... if everyone took small risks for others, the world would be better off.

[ Oh, he definitely does; he's intimately acquainted with that system, and how the vulnerable get little to no help at all. And that personal knowledge is exactly what gives him the authority to say: ]

In an ideal utopia, perhaps. But the real world is hardly like that.

[ He's witnessed it with his own eyes, how people in a position of power don't give a damn about those below, how they actively feast upon the weak, how even the most well-meaning soul would succumb under the sheer weight of fighting that battle alone, eventually leaving Akechi and so many others like him to fend for themselves. ]

Because the world is ultimately selfish, there are too many who do nothing, and very few who do too much-- a handful of heroes bearing the weight of the world upon their shoulders. And they, too, will eventually exhaust themselves for the sake of limited success, unless they can change the system itself.

[ Which, he realizes, is exactly what the Phantom Thieves are naively trying to do, but-- ]

You've seen it for yourself, haven't you? One mistake and suddenly the entire public opinion turned against you and your group. Save for the ones who directly benefited from the change of hearts, do you think the Phantom Thieves have made much of a lasting impression on society at large?

[Akira looks away, thinking of the election, of Shido confessing to his crimes but still winning. He thinks of how it really didn't seem to matter at all.

And he realizes...]

...Maybe not.

[Did they really fail, in the end? Was their hard work in vain? Did it mean anything?]

I don't know if we made any lasting impact. Maybe no one will even remember us in the future, or even in a year. But... I still think we made the world better.

[Even if was small. Even if it will only directly impact a handful of people.

That's still a handful of people whose lives are better, through their actions. And it's not nothing. It isn't.]

In other words, though you cannot change the world at large, as long as you can change a single person's world, your efforts will be worth it. Like I said, it's an admirable notion.

[ Admirable, and stupid, worthy of a dumb hero. Honestly, it makes Akechi want to scoff at that idea, risking so much for people who otherwise might not have given him the time of the day. It makes him angry, too-- angry that this idiot might have (and still could) ended up dead because of his damn martyr complex, angry that he's reckless, and has so little regard for his own safety, as long as he gets to help people who mean nothing to him.

Angry that there was never anyone like that for him. ]

Just remember that anything that happens to you might have an impact on someone else, too. After all, to them, you might be their world, or a significant part of it.

[ Angry that Akira would rather save anyone else, than be that change in Akechi's world. ]

[And yet, it seems that Akechi doesn't even realize how far Akira is going to be that change in his world. To fight fate, to overcome death itself.

Akira wants to be that significant to Akechi... but saying that right now might be too much.]

...Being someone's world, huh...

[He looks away a bit, off into the distance. The idea that he could become that for anyone, though... it's a little overwhelming.]

It's kind of hard to believe I could ever mean that much to someone, but... it would be nice.

[Maybe this is as close as he can come to the question he wants to ask.]

[ ... Is Akira fucking kidding him? Or is he really just that stupid? ]

Hard to believe, you say...?

[ He manages to hold himself back this time, as much as the urge to spit poison and anger still gnaws at the tip of his tongue.

Akechi has seen it, time and time again, how the Phantom Thieves will throw themselves in harm's way, for each other as the merry little band of teammates they oh so proudly call themselves, but especially for Joker's sake, how they'll stand between an enemy and him, ready to toss their safety away and take a deadly blow meant for their leader. And while that can also be attributed to their respect for him as their central figure and even personal admiration as comrades, there's no way that's all it is. No way they would do this for someone who wasn't especially significant. ]

You might have to practice your observation skills more often. From where I'm standing, it's clear that you already are.

[ No way anyone would be willing to sacrifice their life for someone who didn't mean the world to them. ]

[For a moment, Akira thinks Akechi might be answering for himself, and he's a little surprised...

But then he catches the note in his voice, faint as it is, and realizes that Akechi isn't thinking of himself at all. Ah, well... it really was too much, too soon.]

You mean the Thieves? [He smiles a little at that.] Well... it's still pretty incredible. Not long ago, we didn't even know each other...

[Hm, maybe this isn't really helping, since Akechi has already revealed he might be a little jealous of his connection with the others, and given what Akira knows about the truth.]

But, you know... [He bumps his shoulder into Akechi's.] It'd be incredible to be important to someone else I know, too.

[ It doesn't help, and it's more than jealousy, too; it's disdain for someone as mediocre as Akira having forged such strong connections, mixed with Akechi's refusal to accept he, too, has fallen for those barely existent charm points, and an ultimately possessive feeling over his beloved piece of garbage.

But, that shoulder bump is enough to distract him from distressing thoughts, and bring his attention back to the matter at hand. ]

To someone else you know...?

[ Heh. For a thief, Akira isn't very subtle or stealthy at all. And, despite his own deceptively contained bitterness from earlier, Akechi can't help but crack a smile at the attempt. ]

You know, at first I thought you were simply inattentive, but now I'm fairly sure you're deliberately fishing for a compliment.

[ Or rather, for a feeling that, as far as Akechi is concerned, should have been obvious. Their constant arguments over Akira's reckless ways, and even Akechi's patronizing lectures whenever he got in trouble in this town... Hadn't they established it was all because of how important Akira is to him? ]

Me? Never.

[But there's a little bit of a playfulness to it. He's still a bit sad he can't get Akechi to see his point of view on this, and maybe he'll always be a little bitter that Akechi agrees with his parents, but he came here for a nice date, and he'd rather move them to safer territory.]

You wanted me to talk, so I did.

Hmm. I did.

[ While that is true, and despite that hint of playfulness, he can tell Akira isn't entirely happy about this discussion, especially with Akechi's insistence on questioning that stupidly heroic streak of his. Really, it's not like he can't see it from Akira's perspective, but he can't help but side with the people who want him to not get involved and stay safe.

But, if Akira had minded his own business, if he hadn't meddled with the wrong person... They never would have met, would they? ]

And since this is what we agreed upon, I suppose it's my turn to do some of that talking. In fact, I might even entrust you with a little secret.

[ None of his terribly sordid secrets, no, but a small one. So he leans in closer so that only Akira can hear it, his lips brushing against skin as he whispers: ]

I might not approve of your reckless meddling, but I'm glad you did. It is what brought us together, after all.

[ Fate, as one might call it, acts in mysterious ways. ]

[And that makes Akira feel much peppier.

He smiles, turning his head so that those lips that graced his skin can touch a different part of him, lightly pressing his own lips against them, not shy but simply modest and slow.

He doesn't speak again until he pulls back.]

I think it's safe to say it changed my life for the better.

[Even if it was hard at first, even if hard things might still be coming... the bonds he's made make it worth it. This makes it worth it.]

I'm glad I met you.

[ Another smile graces Akechi's features, gentler this time, as he lets those words wash over him. Even though he had given the Phantom Thieves nothing but trouble as the Ace Detective back home, even though he had perished in his hands in Chroma, Akira was still glad to have met him... Akechi can't remember the last time someone had told him that and meant it.

(For a moment, he wonders, hopes that his feelings would remain the same if he knew the truth about Akechi, if he knew his real self...) ]

Being a labeled a criminal and living in an attic is what you call changing life for the better...?

[ He snuggles up closer, buries his head in Akira and huffs a small laugh into his chest. ]

You're a man of strange preferences, Akira Kurusu.

[ Strange enough to like and date even him.

(But maybe, probably not the real Goro Akechi.) ]

[Akira wraps his arms around him to pull him closer still, idly rubbing his thumb on Akechi's back.]

Okay... my living arrangements could use some work, maybe.

[At least Leblanc is... warm? Sometimes? Okay, it sucks, but he gets coffee and curry in the morning so that's something.]

At least I have a door here. [It's a step up!]

[ Akira's true power: having coffee and curry every day for breakfast for a year without developing an ulcer. ]

A door...! [ Said in theatrical amazement, though he breaks character partway through the act and laughs. ] Impressive. So you mean to tell me your life has gotten even better in this place?

[ He... isn't entirely serious about his question, but at the same time, he can't say he understands Akira entirely, either. ]

[He knows it isn't entirely serious, but Akira takes a moment to think about it anyway.]

I think... I can breathe here. Without all that weight on my shoulders.

[The Thieves, school, his job, trying to meet the expectations of his friends... it's not that he regrets any of it, or doesn't enjoy it for the most part, but coming here has let him take that load off for awhile and just... be.]

Does that make sense?

[ Oh. A serious answer, is it? Well, since Akira is willing to be open about it... ]

You can breathe here, huh...

[ He cuddles up closer, more comfortable, but otherwise falls silent for a minute. Having to juggle school and multiple jobs while still maintaining a busy social life would be taxing enough on any ordinary high schooler, but Akira had even more on his plate-- the weight of several lives hanging on his leadership, and a dangerous identity to keep secret at all costs... Yes, Akechi can definitely see where he's coming from.

Because Akechi, himself, is every bit the same. ]

I suppose I can relate to the feeling.

[ Although he dares say his burden is even heavier. ]

[Akira bets he can. Especially given his... extracurricular activities.]

Yeah. I guess it's tiring going to school and being a detective, and a Thief on top of that.

[Of course that's all it is, right? Akira lets him rest against him, sinking in a little closer, a little more cozy.

He hopes Akechi really means that. That it's good for him, being here, away from the influences of their world. From the hate that seeps in like poison.]

[ That's all it is... Hah, if only. ]

... Yes. I do have quite a lot to juggle, back home.

[ And as much as he doesn't want to think about it, doesn't want to remember the dreadful things he's forced himself to do for a man he loathes, but it's hard not to, when even his words evoke some questions. Could he even call Tokyo that, when this place has felt a lot closer to a home than his lonely days back in the place he just happened to have been born in? A place where he had nothing but fleeting fame and a plan for revenge that never really made him feel happy like he's been here? ]

Honestly, it's not as though this place didn't have its own brand of hurdles to overcome, but I would be lying if I said it didn't give me more free time to myself and the chance to try things I never thought I would. For one, I--

[ He snuggles in even closer, buries his face in Akira's neck. ]

I don't think we would have ever gotten to know each other or become this close, back home.

[ ... would it even be a home without Akira? ]

[If he only knew how closely their lives would become intertwined, up until Akechi's...

No. He doesn't want to think about that right now.]

...Probably not.

[No, they wouldn't have. Maybe if they had, he could have stopped some of the things Akechi did at the end. It wouldn't be enough to completely absolve him of guilt but maybe, maybe...

Maybe they could have had a happier ending.]

But I think, either way... you would have been important to me.

[He knows he was. Is. Will always be.]

Even if we stole Niijima-san's treasure, and you walked out of my life forever... I wouldn't forget you.

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